Fly Little Blimp, Fly!

Jacob said . . .

How does one go about becoming a blimp pilot? It seems like a cool
job, but nobody ever talks about it.

---

According to Fujifilm and Lee Montgomery of Turner Sports Interactive (who are affiliated with these guys) their are fewer blimp pilots than space-shuttle pilots.

Obviously not the most popular career in the books, but then again, training to become an astronaut, despite all its glory, must be an expensive pain in the ass (the majority of the expense coming from a hefty-education; anything less than A's, and you're not allowed to fly jets in the airforce. Imagine what it must be like for space shuttle pilots).

Anyway, back to blimps. (These guys have the right idea.)

Firstly, according to Fujifilm (yes, more blimps exist than the Goodyear blimp), you need a commercial pilots license. Then the company (Goodyear, Fujifilm, whomever) teach you to fly the blimp. Wait? No blimp license? 'Fraid so, just a commercial pilots license.

Go to the company, ask around, and apply.

Alas, I cannot speak in such brevity, and therefore I'll tell you how to obtain a commercial pilots license (hell, even Tom Cruise has one, curse his talentless Scientological soul).

To get a private pilots license (detailed list here, which I'm basically just going to repeat for you:

1) Get a medical check by an FAA approved doctor
2) Pass a bunch of tests (medical, oral, history, command of English lanuage, etc.)
3) Log flight hours (night, cross-country, solo, etc.)

This will take a lot of time, and cost a hefty amount ($15-20 an hour on average). Oh, and on a minor note, you'll need a student license prior to this. Speak with-

actually, you should probably talk to these guys.

Frankly, Jake, there were only 13 blimps in the world at this point a few years ago, and nine of them were in the United States. The largest is actually the Fujifilm blimp mentioned above, but if you were wondering how there could be more shuttle pilots than blimp pilots, now you know.

On the upside, you can buy your own zepplin if you want, for an easy $10,000,000 (ten million) dead presidents.

Note: A blimp is deflateable. A zepplin is a rigid shelled aircraft. Hence why there are so few blimps, not including zepplins. The actual number depends entirely on how picky you are.

So don't be picky. Fly a space shuttle instead. You'll get laid more that way..

I Wanna Suck Your Blood, Dude!

Adianna Alexandra Ash said . . .

What is your idea on vampires? Real or not? Or do you read fantasy fiction at all? Are you a non fiction person?

---

We'll deal with the simple questions first: I've read some fantasy fiction, but yes, I am more of a non-fiction person (currently indulged in Orson Welles: Road To Xanadu by Simon Callow).

On to vampires! [Insert maniacal laughter.]

[Giant bat flies through the air.]

[End maniacal laughter.]

--

I spent my younger years, which would consist of ages four through nine, indulging myself in two particular areas of literature: private-eye detective works (largely "how-to" books) and old horror movies, especially those regarding Boris Karloff and a few on Bela Lugosi, the original film Dracula who later sank so far in his career as to work with Edward Wood.

Oh, and a quick note: quarto notes that Bram Stoker's Dracula is hideously dull, and having perused the first thirty pages or so, I uninformatively agree.

In order to save time on what I believe will be an incouragably long post, I quote this from Nation Master's Encyclopedia:

"Stoker has based his character loosely on the historic Wallachian ruler Vlad III, also known as Vlad the Impaler (Vlad Ţepeş in Romanian). In his six year reign (1456–1462) he is estimated to have killed 100,000 people, mainly by using his favourite method of impaling them on a sharp pole. However, it should be noted that the history of Romania at this time was mainly recorded by German immigrants, a group with which Vlad is known to have clashed several times. Indeed, Vlad is revered as a folk hero by Romanians for driving off invading Turks with his brutal tactics; his impaled victims included thousands of Turkish Muslims.

"The name Dracula is derived from a secret fraternal order of knights called the Order of the Dragon, founded by King Sigismund of Hungary (who became the Holy Roman Emperor in 1410) to uphold Christianity and defend the Empire against the Ottoman Turks. Vlad II Dracul, father of Vlad III, was admitted to the Order around 1431 because of his bravery in fighting the Turks. From 1431 onward Vlad II wore the emblem of the order and later, as ruler of Wallachia, his coinage bore the dragon symbol. The word for "dragon" in Romanian is drac (from Latin draco) and ul is the definite article. Vlad III's father thus came to be known as Vlad Dracul (Vlad "the Dragon"). In Romanian the ending ulea meant "the son of". Under this interpretation, Vlad III thus became Vlad Draculea, or "The Son of the Dragon." (The word drac also means "devil" in Romanian, giving a double meaning to the name for enemies of Vlad III and his father.)

"Stoker may also have drawn upon stories about the Sídhe — blood-drinking ghouls from his native Ireland — and the Dracula myth as he created it and as it has been portrayed in films and television shows ever since may be a compound of various influences; many of Stoker's biographers and literary critics have found strong similarities to an earlier Irish writer, Sheridan le Fanu's, classic of the vampire genre, Carmilla."

Note: The encyclopedia does hesitate to declare entirely that these are the sources of Stoker's Dracula in its entirety. One might also note that the history of vampirism and Dracula as a character can be seperate items, Dracula simply the most famous of all vampires.

The mythical aversion to sunlight also varies from culture to culture. Stoker's Dracula merely lost a few powers during sunlight, but was still quite alive and well. The original concept of full vulnerability to sunlight did not take hold of the public mind until the 1922 film Nosferatu.

Alas, I ramble on too much when I could simply provide interesting information offered by Benjamin H. Leblanc.

--

Let's face it- the only organic beings on the planet that survive without blood circulating through the physical body are plants. Vampires? Plants? Oo.

Naturally, the idea of worrying about central nervous systems, reproductive ability, the functioning of organs (which, in fact, are believed to exist in vampires- an early manner of killing them was to gut the vampire and burn its internal organs) is worthless.

Originally considered evil spirits which came out of the ground in the night to enslave victims, which then became blood-sucking vampires, the entire myth regarding vampires is entirely based on your belief in the supernatural.

The major religions of today, and I'll stick largely to the dominant religion of America (Christianity) should be entirely unable to deny the existance of vampires (which isn't to imply they should submit to their existance; merely allow for the possibility), if this early consideration regarding their creation is to hold with current belief in biblical text as literal taking of history.

You'd be hard pressed to get them to confess to the possibility, it is true. The stubborn reaction offered by most would be a light scoff and sarcastic comment (even the denomination I am most familiar with, Assemblies of God, a ridiculous sort and laughable in their manner and shameless flaunting of political orientation though unlawful, held prayer services to protect children from that "demonic book and film" Harry Potter, making fun of it while at the same time worrying about the possibility of encouraging children into witchcraft. You wouldn't believe the gossipy riot that broke hellishly loose when I announced to my peers that I enjoyed the book! Apparently Magic: The Gathering playing cards aren't worth their concern- thank goodness, or we'd have a riot on our hands and the largest spree of month-long groundings known in the history of mankind).

Let's face, they obviously buy into the possibility, but good luck getting them to admit it.

Why this rampage? Not sure, but don't worry, I'll tie it in.

You ask my opinion; I'm not a believer in the supernatural, and thusly not a believer in vampires. Of course we have our Jeffrey Dahmers and the like, but there's an endless debate as to whether or not cannibalism has ever existed as a norm in any known society (aside from desperate scenarios and a means to survive in situations in which starvation is a possibility). For more on that, click on random blue words in the previous sentence and you'll find something. Oh, and I like this article, poor in concept or not.

Note: Yes, I know cannibalism and vampirism are different in definition, but I feel the similarities are noteable.

In conclusion Adianna, now that this thoroughly biased yet rather educational essay is complete, no, I do not believe vampires exist any more than I believe an angel is guarding your back. Which is to say, not at all.

For those interested in the spiritual realm, however, I would say to you, watch your neck at night.

Movies And The Predetermined Destruction of Relationships Which Are Yet To Form . . .

doug said . . .

I DON'T GET THE MOVIE ADVICE. "First dates" are creepy. I always end up doing movies for First Meetings, but dates generally don't occur until I've hung out with someone dozens of times.

I'd have to say that in 100% of my relationships (sneaky math!), what was considered the first "date" was a movie, but that may be because I date girls who love movies.

---

The topic of this title is a waste of words, I realize, but allow me to explain.

Imagine, for a moment, a bomb capable of imploding the earth. This bomb exists at the primordial stage of our planet. Right as the earth is evolving, plots showing fruition, and the first rose petals bloom . . . dear god, the whole thing has imploded. Oh my.

This, my friend, is the general consequence of a movie date.

I am, as implied with the word "general", generalizing. I supposed, rather pretentiously I confess, that avoiding movies, especially theaters, on the first date was common sense, and as evidence that I'm not entirely an asshole for thinking so, look at the Floyd's Garage Amazon List for Good First Date Movies.

Seems like Floyd was being a bit sarcastic, yes?

There is, of course, the possibility that both you and your date enjoy talking during movies. If so, congratulations, you've lucked out.

I hesitate to recommend new theater releases, and movies overall, along with any scenario which hinders intimate conversation betwixt two persons, for the very reason they hinder that communication. Two hours of silence followed by a half-hour cheap meal? How can one expect to get to know the person! Romance certainly can't be developed when two persons sit quietly in a crowded arena as actors prance about on the screen, munching popcorn.

Welcome, my friend, to Cheap High-School Excuses To Make Out 101. This is your teacher, Mr. Undateable.

How would you feel, may I ask, if your date sat silently next to you without a word? You saw her out and about, talked to her for a few minutes, got her number, and then asked her to sit silently next to you while an enormous screen flashed bright light in her eyes over a sweet, lovely meal of popcorn, raisenettes, and Sprite. Congratulations, Don Juan DeMarco, you've really made her feel special.

Look, throughout history, men have been attracted to beautiful woman, and woman are attracted to men who can provide, i.e. have money.

At some point you'll become friendly enough that this criteria will not hold the same import, but for the moment, be romantic, be special; either treat her like a princess and get her a fine meal with sweet wine (or the forceful taste of a red, if you're eating red meats or tomato sauced pasta), or make her feel like you get to know her.

Don't spend twenty bucks at a cheap theater getting her buttered popcorn when she likes it salted and make her feel like she's your make-out buddy for the next week.

I'm being idealistic, I realize this, supposing a relationship (a successful one) will blossom from whomever you next introduce yourself to, and I won't insist that all first-date movies end in no second-date phone call; simply give yourself the best chance you can, get to know her the best you can, and all those "best chance" things that come with it.

And with quarto's insistance that a walk will suffice, and grandly so, why not save yourself a couple wasted bucks on stale popcorn and put that money towards a nice meal? Even if the date turns to shit, the overpriced shrimp will be worthwhile.

Ah, Love-Birds.

Anonymous said...

In your opinion, what is the most romantic first date?

---

I was intending an elaborate lecture, a monologue regarding the definition and history of romance, largely speculative of course, the nature of testosterone, estrogen, pheremones (a chemical designed specifically to engage behavioral responses from other animals), and all sorts of unnecessary mumblings for to offer my audience (perhaps at the risk of pretense, a trait, like vanity, which is a bit underrated in society- less on that later).

However, lacking important details regarding your financial situation, the arena of possibilities surrounding your locale, (restaurants, attractions, social centers- wait, disregard that last one, for reasons which shall become less fuzzy-lookin'), etc.

Fortunately, and as an end to this introduction, I quote "in [my] opinion" rather gleefully.

First off, to quote a friend of mine (female, my anonymous pal), "The best first romantic date is dinner and a walk."

Exceptions include: Scenarios in which you know what the girl likes. Do this!. What are her major interests? What's the one thing she'll do for the rest of her life, even for free?

Naturally, if you don't know, dinner, walk, and then ask.

And I must emphasize: make her feel special!

Yes, boys and girls, mice and micestresses, octopuses, octowusses, and octopis, 'tis very important to make her feel special.

Merriam-Webster, my own, personal Deep Throat (i.e. my source- not a good first date, unless you're both wierd), defines special as:

1 : distinguished by some unusual quality; especially : being in some way superior (our special blend)
2 : held in particular esteem (a special friend)
3 a : readily distinguishable from others of the same category : UNIQUE (they set it apart as a special day of thanksgiving)

and equally appropriate in a complementary manner

4 : being other than the usual : ADDITIONAL, EXTRA
5 : designed for a particular purpose or occasion

The "particular purpose" being, of course, simply your source of happiness.

For good, wholesome, mid-western, romanticism, I interviewed my friend Leslie (Nebraska-grown):

Something personal for you and [her]. If you both love music than a concert. Once a guy took me horseback riding because he knew that I loved it and his family raised Morgans.

(Editors note: Check out this site if you don't know what Morgans are.)

Thanks, Leslie, but I have to make a few remarks on that- namely, avoid excess noise and anything that will distract for socializing with your date. This includes concerts and, above all, movies.

No movies on the first date!

To quote a woman I once knew, "Oh, no, no, no [in regards to movies on the first date]. Only if you're a big fat idiot. Or you don't like the person."

No flowers on the first date, unless you know them well and you have a specific reason (i.e., last week she said she enjoyed a particular flower during this time of the season, or similar scenarios).

In summary:

a) Something in which the two of you are alone with time to converse.
b) Avoid distractions (movies, loud noise, etc.).
c) I like caramel. I like caramel a lot. But you can't talk with it in your mouth. (Avoid food items which hinder conversation a/o or kissing, should kissing arise).
d) Don't spill on her (although, if she likes you, I hope she wouldn't mind).
e) Don't sell home insurance door-to-door. If you do, lie, and quickly find another job.
f) Don't fuck up.

Hopefully this will calm your nerves.

If you do a movie date, may Satan eat your soul quickly and without salt.

Mortal Kombat - Kick-Ass Kung-Fu Action

Doug said . . .

Who are the best characters to play as in the first three Mortal Kombat games, and, can you tell us how to perform any of their most unfairly-powerful moves?

---

First things first, Doug; Don't be these guys.

Mortal Kombat has been rated #34 on 1 Up's Top 50 Essential Video Games. While some you may believe it deserves a higher ranking, I think we can all agree that a little-known video game involving two plumbers in mismatched colours crushing turtles, tripping shrooms, and pulling coins out of their asses to shove in their hats deserves a special place in our hearts.

Regardless, before I commence, for the lesser learned reader, I'll provide a little background information on the game from the same source, 1 Up: Play It Loud.

Finished reading? Dig it? Go buy it; if nothing else, it's a great excuse to pick up the ol' SNES- my personal favorite amongst all video game consoles.

By the way, Doug, I hope you prefer SNES, or perhaps some sort of SNES mod for your PC/Mac.

Anyway, little cool tidbit- hold the L & R buttons before the Acclaim logo appears, and continue holding them until it disappears. You should get a new intro to the game.

---

MORTAL KOMBAT I

---

I'm a Johnny Cage kind of guy:

Sure, his "cool" move with the game is Shadow Kick: B-F-HK. But why waste your time with that shit?

There's a little something called "Cage's Endless Air Juggle." Special move? Not really. But when you can waste your opponent so easily by simply mastering it, it definitely falls under the definition of badass:

Main Entry: 1bad·ass
Pronunciation: -"as
Function: adjective
often vulgar : ready to cause or get into trouble : MEAN

Oh fuck yeah. To perform the "Endless Air Juggle," force your opponents back to the edge of the screen. When you're facing him, block until he jumps. Then perform a Jumping High Punch. Laugh maniacally, but only briefly, as you'll have to repeat this punch over, and over, juggling him. Wait for him to die. Laugh maniacally again. Eventually you'll master the Juggle/Evil Laugh combo, and you'll be able to do both at once.

But what about moves, you ask? Well, it's been 13 years, so let me do a little research (this is general information, sources unnecessary, although I state them as I deem required):

Note: Not all moves, especially fatalities, will be available on all platforms. Some removed for various reasons, generally censorship. Fuck censorship.

Fireball: B-F-LP
Shadow Kick: B-F-LK
Ball Breaker: Block + LP

His Fatality (end move) is a Power Uppercut. Stand close: F-F-F-HP

Combos:
Jump Kick - Fireball
Jump Kick - Shadow Kick
Jump Kick - Ball Breaker
Uppercut - Shadow Kick

Each of these allocates 30-40% damage, well worth using. The latter two are best done in the corner of the screen.

Another preference (recommended during interviews with various gamers)- Kano.

Spin Attack: Back away, spin circle counter-clockwise.
Knife Throw: Hold Block-B-F
Fatality: B-D-F-LP (close)
Fatality: B-B-B-LP (close)

And finally- Scorpion, an extremely popular character. You might suggest giving him the first go.

Spear: B-B-LP
Teleport: D-B-HP
Fatality: Hold BL-Up-Up [Half-Screen]

---

Mortal Kombat II

---

What many consider the best of the MK series, and most certainly a pain in the ass to beat.

Also, if you're very, very patient and have a lot of free time, you can beat the game 250 times with the same character, and eventually play Pong. Pong, you say? Yes, Pong.

Anyway:

Reptile. Everybody recommends Reptile. Don't know why. I'm still a Johnny Cage guy. Definitely a worthwhile character, though.

Acid Spit: F-F-HP
Slide: B + LP + LK + BL
Forceball: B-B-HP + LP
Invisibility: Up-Up-D-HP [using block, i.e. BL]

Finishers:
Fatality 1: B-B-D-LP [medium range]
Fatality 2: F-F-D-LK [become invisible and stand close]
Friendship: B-B-D-LP
Babality: D-B-B-LP
Stage: D-F-F-BL (again, stand close)

Shang Tsung. Many consider home overrated, but in my opinion, once a man is the man, he remains the man despite any faults. And as we all know, skulls and morphing make one the man.

Flaming Skull: B-B-HP
Two Flaming Skulls: B-B-F-HP
Three Flaming Skulls: B-B-F-F-HP

Finishers:
Fatality 1: Hold HK (high kick) for two seconds and let go. [Lameass sweep.]
Fatality 2: Up-D-Up-LK [Gotta be close.]
Fatality 3: Hold LP (left punch) for twenty-five seconds. Let go with the announcer/narrator/whoever the hell he is says, "Finish Him."
Friendship: B-B-D-F-HK
Babality: B-F-D-HK
Stage: Hold BL-D-D-Up, release BL-D [Again, stand close.]

Morphs (waste of time, but a cool feature):
Liu Kang: B-F-F-BL
Kung Lao: B-D-B-HK
Johnny Cage: B-B-D-LP
Reptile: Hold BL-Up-D-HP
Sub-Zero: F-D-F-HP
Kitana: BL-BL-BL
Jax: D-F-B-HK
Mileena: Hold HP (high punch) for two seconds. Boom.
Baraka: D-D-LK
Scorpion: Hold BL-Up-Up
Rayden: D-B-F-LK


Scorpion.

Spear: B-B-LP
Teleport: D-B-HP [Pretty damn useful.]
Air Throw: BL [Bock, in air.]
Scissors: F-B-LK [Don't do this to your best friend.]

Finishers:
Fatality 1: Up-Up-HP [Half-screen, of course.]
Fatality 2: Hold HP-D-F-F-F- then release HP [Have to be close.]
Friendship: B-B-D-HK
Babality: D-B-B-HK
Stage: D-F-F-BL [Again, close.]

I don't know what's the deal with combos on this one. Sorry. Fuck around with the special moves a lot. I've got combos for the next.

---

Mortal Kombat III

---

Considered a disappoint by many for its shallow story and characters- but hey, the whole purpose is the ass-kicking, right?

Kung Lao. Sometimes, it's good to have a girl on your side. Plus the last combo is sick as hell. Gotta be quick.

Hat Throw: B-F-LP
Diving Kick: D + HK [In the air, of course.]
Spinning Shield: F-D-F-R
Teleport Attack: D-Up

Finishers:
Fatality 1: R-BL-R-BL-D
Fatality 2: F-F-B-D-HP [Closer, please.]
Animality: R-R-R-R-BL [That's it, closer.]
Babality: D-F-F-HP
Friendship: R-LP-R-LK [Sweep that shit!]
Stage: D-D-F-F-LK

Combos:
LK-LK-B + HK [Smugh 19%.]
HP-LK-B + HK [Even worse 18%.]
HP-LP-HP-LP-LK-LK-B + HK [Rockin' 34% hit combo.]

---

These are my personal choices. Obviously, you'll have to experiment, but the fact is, if you master any of the characters in the game, regardless of the programmed character's ability, you'll be able to hold your own, if not entirely dominate, in competition- and I assume you'll be busting out the two player mode.

As long as you're rockin' a gaming console or a mod, I recommend Killer Instinct. You'll love it.

Keep those fingers on the buttons.

The Difference Between Men and Assholes

quarto said...

Why do guys lie so much?

9:32 PM

---

Firstly, Quarto, I beesech you, do not generalize. "Some guys" is more appropriate. Even "most guys" or "nearly all guys". Yet, because this response does not deal with that, we are going to group the lying male into a category A, titled "assholes."

Also, it is safe, I believe, to assume that you refer to males and their involvement (or lack thereof) in romantic (or unfortunately unromantic) relationships, such as dating, so it is along these lines that I will respond. Obviously, any male who lies pathologically (as opposed to the occasional false statement, of which all are guilty) under these circumstances could fit more easily into category A(ssholes) than any other.

Assholes and lying? There are many answers to your question, Quarto, and none of them an excuse for the action. A few (low self-esteem, escape from a situation caused by simply being a jerk, etc.) result from what I, after a brief consideration, would consider to be the foundation of the majority of, if not all, reasons to lie.

Lying regards fiction, obviously. In a work of fiction, there are two groups of who find pleasure in the obfuscation of reality: authors (the one speaking the fiction) and the intended audience (in the circumstance of a man lying to a woman, also the author).

Merriam-Websters definition of fiction is this;

1 a : something invented by the imagination or feigned; specifically : an invented story b : fictitious literature (as novels or short stories) c : a work of fiction; especially : NOVEL
2 a : an assumption of a possibility as a fact irrespective of the question of its truth (a legal fiction) b : a useful illusion or pretense
3 : the action of feigning or of creating with the imagination

It's imporant when being the receiver of a falsehood to remember that you, in fact, though the male may be speaking to you, are not the audience.

We exist in a culture in which fiction, the blurring or total absence of reality, is a daily pleasure, taken upon by countless individuals. Theater, in all its forms, and dramatic or humorous literature, little more than the writing of a false performance, are common escapes from the overbearing consequences of the actual, existing actions performed by we, humanity, including those things often perceived as entirely coincidental, such as a car accident.

And, as I'm sure you will agree, little more holds undesirable consequence than the relationship between a man and a woman.

With this in mind, though most likely in Mr. Assholes subconcious, the lie spurns from a need for entertainment, and entertainment comes with the concoction of fiction and the pleasure of hearing it. Doesn't make sense? Let me expand.

Modern drama in our current American culture has two things demanded of it: a) realism and b) a large disregard for realistic circumstances. We expect an unbelievable situation to release believable emotions in the audience.

Understand this, and you will understand at least one reason for a lie; the concoction of a lie yields circumstances that would otherwise not exist. Our Asshole, as mentioned above, regards himself as the audience, paying little mind to the fact that he is also the author, and, knowing the inevitable consequences of the discovery of a lie, creates a circumstance in which realistic emotions will be displayed before him. You, unfortunately, are regarded as little more than a character in the fiction he creates.

Sound like a pretty fucked up thing to do? Well, here's the appropriate definition of "Asshole" as provided by Merriam-Webster:

2 a : usually vulgar : a stupid, incompetent, or detestable person

Apply that to a few of the Assholes you know, and I'm sure you'll recognize a few characteristics.

Disclaimer: If you don't agree, or this explanation leads to undesirable circumstances in your personal a/o professional life, along with any other area of your existence not noted here, I a) am not responsible and b) owe you nothing. Any complaint filed as a result of said undesirable circumstances will result in a) loss of complainees place in heaven and b) ownership of said complainees soul ad infinitum.

Welcome to AskLuke!

Have a personal question? Just curious about something?

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